Tell her she can't have a vagina
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i now understand why vodka
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
