I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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