Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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