she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize