I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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