I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
