I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
