They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
