Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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