Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I cannot find my penis.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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