I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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