If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
