theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
