totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
