just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
