I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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