I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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