Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
