Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
