The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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