Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
