Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
