Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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