so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
