He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize