I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
