It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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