I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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