I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
