So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
