I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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