I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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