I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
