she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The uberlube is also flammable
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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