and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize