i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
