something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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