Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
