I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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