I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
