I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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