Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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