just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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