Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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