He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
