when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
