Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
