Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
