Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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