I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
