The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize