She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
