dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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