i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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