nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
