Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
