Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
