Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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