Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
